Move over, Impossible Burger.
The post meat burger market has a new player, and it plans to revolutionize the fast food industry. Today Fenlis Labs, Inc., headquartered in Dallas, announced it has received FDA approval for a manure based food product called the Cat Shit Burger.
The burger will be indistinguishable from beef and provide similar nutritional values.
CEO Ray Fenlis said he came up with the idea several years ago after stray cats began to breed uncontrollably in his neighborhood:
“There must have been a hundred cats shitting all over my lawn every day. I couldn’t even check on my flowers without getting it on my shoe. I’d have to go back and change several times a week before leaving for work. I was beyond frustrated, but that’s when I started to think, ‘Why aren’t we eating this instead of stepping in it?'”
Fenlis claims the burger will be superior to other plant based products like Impossible Foods or Beyond Meat because it is cheaper to produce and tastes better.
The Jest visited the company’s headquarters earlier this month and learned firsthand how the burger is made. The building, once an old auto factory, was newly outfitted with computers, automated machinery, food laboratories and, of course, cats.
The entire bottom floor was made up of what they called the “litter box,” where thousands of cats roamed freely in a sand-filled pit and excreted fecal matter at their leisure. “Scoopers,” as they were called, “combed the pit every few hours and retrieved the droppings with specialized tools.
The droppings were then taken to assembly, smashed into bricks and baked at high temperatures to kill all germs and parasites. Afterward, machines cut the bricks into burger-sized patties. Cooks then injected each patty with hemoproteins, fat, and sodium to give them a nutritional balance and beef-like texture. Lastly, the patties were marinated in a secret recipe for that “old fashioned taste.”
Fenlis said he has wanted to stop eating meat for years but, like many, finds it difficult. “I know lots of people that eat meat but don’t like the idea of it. They tell me that vegetarian meals just don’t taste as good and aren’t as filling. That’s all changing now.”
Fenlis Labs’s chief engineer, Dr. Ken Chandler, said choosing feces over meat is a no brainer:
“With meat you have all sorts of problems. You’ve got the environmental damage. We also know it increases your risk of developing colon cancer. And it requires the wholesale slaughter of millions of animals every year. It’s kind of cruel that we do all that just to satisfy a craving. Meanwhile, a cat can shit all day.”
When asked if customers might be turned off by a food made directly from feces, Fenlis laughed. “Not really. These burgers are perfectly safe, and they taste great. Once people get used to them, they will be as accepted as real beef.”
Fenlis admitted the name Cat Shit Burger is provocative, but he believes it will also help market the product. “We’re embracing our burger, not running from it,” he said. “Now let’s enjoy great food.”
The Cat Shit Burger will be available in select restaurants early next year.
“Choosing feces over meat is a no brainer”
Truly a great line.
“Excuse me, my burger has fur in it.”
“I know! Isn’t it great?”