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As World Collapses, Man Has Uncontrollable Urge to Buy Toilet Paper

DENVER, Colo.–As panic continued to spread over the coronavirus (COVID-19) this weekend, consumers rushed to their local stores for provisions. But for Shawn Williams, a 28-year-old computer programmer and father of two, there was a far greater concern.

When he first heard word of the outbreak in the United States, Williams says he felt an immediate and uncontrollable urge to purchase as much toilet paper as he could find, despite having plenty at home.

He also ignored his family’s insistence that he only buy food and return as soon as possible, as they needed to quarantine due to his daughter’s immune deficiency.

Nevertheless, Williams said he was overpowered by his need for more toilet paper.

“I wanted it more than anything I’ve ever desired. I used to have a drinking problem, and it was nothing compared to this, not even on my worst day.”

On Friday morning he rushed to his local Wal-Mart and bought an entire shopping cart full of Charmin’s Ultra Soft Mega Rolls. He even claims he assaulted a man who tried to grab the last package.

“My wife was upset. The outbreak was spreading, and we didn’t have any food for the week. Kim asked why I didn’t get any, and I’ll be honest… I didn’t have an answer.”

He still doesn’t.

“When I heard the word pandemic on the news it triggered something inside of me. It was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. Everything else was secondary. I still can’t explain it,” he said.

Toilet Paper Shortages

Williams may not be alone. Toilet paper inventories remain depleted across the nation, and the reason isn’t entirely clear.

The Jest also spoke with Terry Collins, a retired teacher who lives and shops in Williams’ neighborhood. He says he is not panicked about the coronavirus but happened to run out of toilet paper right before the crisis hit.

“I’m disgusted by these selfish jerks. The sickest I’ve ever been I’ve never used more than half a roll,” he said. “I went to ten stores and they were all sold out. I may never wipe my ass again.”

But there is hope. Suppliers expect inventories to stabilize as they increase output, but in the short-term consumers may have to go without.

One Comment

  1. Mubashar Mubashar March 18, 2020

    In my point of view, shortage of toilet paper is temporary but hope supplies will be increase.

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